We don’t have to live very many days on this earth to discover that relationships are not easy. Between our own expectations and the expectations of others, living in harmony often seems like a pipe dream. The Bible is full of reminders to honor one another above ourselves and to seek peace whenever possible, but what does Scripture recommend to those of us who are wired to please everyone?
Instinctively, even those of us who want to please everyone know that it is just not possible. We can wear ourselves out trying to arrange the world, but I have learned the hard way that this usually results in making things worse – and making myself miserable. Even the thought that I might be able to make everyone happy is a form of pride. I just don’t have that kind of power. While on the surface it might seem that my motive is to keep peace, when I uncover the root I usually discover selfishness. Seeking the approval of people can originate from many places. But whether it comes from a sense of fear or a desire for fame, it always comes back to a lack of trust in God. In a sense I am saying, “If I don’t make everything right, then no one will.”
In Galatians 1:10, Paul asks, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” This letter is addressing the churches in Galatia who were following false teachers and straying from the gospel message Paul had shared with them. He understood that the gospel was not winning popularity votes and it seemed easier to follow a message that people liked, but he wasn’t preaching to win the approval of people. And we shouldn’t make our decisions based on pleasing people either.
“If we study the life of Jesus, we will find that He most certainly did NOT make decisions based on the expectations of people.“
But aren’t we called to live in peace and to put others first? Philippians 2:3-4 says that we should do nothing out of selfish ambition, vain conceit, or because we are looking to our own interests. Isn’t pleasing others meeting this goal? After all, doesn’t it discourage unity when we don’t bend to the expectations of others? We need only to read the next verse in this passage to find the answer – “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset of Christ Jesus.” If we study the life of Jesus, we will find that He most certainly did NOT make decisions based on the expectations of people. He did, however, make them with the eternity of people in mind. Jesus used wisdom and discernment from the Father in his responses to people.
“James gives us a filter through which to pass our thoughts and actions.”
The book of James gives great insight into living a life of wisdom. James 1:5 reminds us to look to God for wisdom when we are lacking, and James 3:13-18 is a passage about worldly wisdom versus wisdom that comes from God. James gives us a filter through which to pass our thoughts and actions.
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17
We should use these attributes to measure our own motives, but we can also use them to help us choose how to meet the expectations of others.
- Is this expectation pure? Does it serve everyone involved or is it based on a selfish desire of that person?
- Does this expectation promote peace for others involved, or will it cause conflict among a group?
- Is the expectation someone else is placing on me considerate of my feelings and needs, and will it help me to be considerate of others?
- Is the person placing this expectation on me submissive to the will of God or simply trying to control me and others in my life?
- Does the expectation offer mercy to others or will it bring about good fruit in any way?
- Is the person placing this expectation on me impartial and sincere in their desire, or are they simply putting their desires above the good for everyone involved?
James wraps this passage up with a statement that might seems contradictory to choosing not to meet the expectations of people who don’t meet this standard of godly wisdom. He say, “Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” How, then, can we do both?
The book of Proverbs holds a treasure trove of teaching about wisdom. Proverbs 16:1-9 discuss this very issue. “To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue. All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord.”
“Trusting God and submitting to godly wisdom will achieve a longer lasting peace and joy than the temporary approval of people ever will.”
We all think we have the right motive, but only God is able to see through our intentions. He sees into our hearts – and into the hearts of others. When I ask God to intervene and to change hearts – even mine – I am inviting him to work things out with his wisdom and power.
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. The Lord works out everything to its proper end.” Proverbs 16: 3-4
Amazingly, when we submit to God’s ways and trust that he has the power to make things right, he also causes peace to reign. Verse 7 reminds us, “When the Lord takes pleasure in anyone’s way, he causes their enemies to make peace with them.” Even when we don’t do it perfectly – if we commit our way to the Lord – he works it all out and his sovereignty overrides our intentions.
It can be a scary thing – especially for a people-pleaser – to deny the expectations that others place on us. But trusting God and submitting to godly wisdom will achieve a longer lasting peace and joy than the temporary approval of people ever will. Simply asking, waiting, submitting the expectations of others to his will leaves room for God to mold our hearts into one – one with each other and one with him!
Measure the expectations others have of you by the standard of godly wisdom. Consult God before responding or taking action and commit your way to him. Ask God today to bring peace into your life and your relationships. Then trust him to do what he says he will do!
“I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.” Psalm 3:5-6
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14