I sat on the bleachers at a lacrosse game last night, watching our senior in his last season of high school sports. Jerry was moving around the stadium, socializing with his friends, but I chose a seat next to a friend. Just last week, that same friend had complimented me on our ability to handle difficult relationships in our lives. This night, she would get a front row seat to the wrestling match I have within me when I encounter issues in some of those very relationships.
Each one of us has difficult relationships at one point or another – some of us struggle with them for a lifetime. While there are people that we can just separate ourselves from, there are some that we must learn to deal with – and if we are Christ followers we must learn to approach those relationships with the mind of Christ.
Romans 12:9-21 has long been a favorite passage of mine. I discovered this “list” when I was going through one of my roughest seasons. The words challenged me to love the person who was causing me the most pain at the time. I have adopted these verses as my mantra for how to deal with difficult relationships and they have guided and redirected me in every interaction since.
Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:44 that we should love our enemies. It may seem harsh to describe those people in your life that are hard to deal with as enemies, but it certainly can be how we feel at times. It is easy to love the people who show us love, but how do we love those who can seem unlovable?
Romans 12:9 tells us that love must be sincere. I love the way The Message puts it:
“Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it.”
Romans 12:9 MSG
and from the New Living Translation:
“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them.”
Romans 12:9 NLT
No matter which way it is said, it all adds up to changing the way we think about love. The love Paul is talking about here is not a feeling – we are called to sincerely love others with our actions. We can choose to demonstrate love regardless of how we are feeling at the time.
“Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”
1 John 3:18
I will never forget something another friend shared in a small group years ago. She explained that when someone hurts her feelings or treats her rudely, she prays for several days and then purchases them a thoughtful gift. The prayer, she noted, changes her heart toward the person and opens her up to be able to give the gift cheerfully. The gift often changes the other person’s heart as that tangible encouragement softens them. What a beautiful example of love in action!
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.”
1 John 4:7
We cannot truly love without God. He is the source of all love, and without him we are left with our own brokenness and selfish motives. As I struggled through my thoughts and emotions last night on the bleachers, I must admit I did some grumbling. But I also did some praying and some preaching to myself. I reminded myself that my enemy is not people – even though it feels that way at times. God calls me to love and encourage the people in my life – even when it is complicated and hard – and he gives me everything I need to do just that.
“If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. and so we know and rely on the love God has for us.”
1 John 4:15-16
My hope is that my friend was able to see some of the process I have for working through difficult relationships. I am not different from anyone else. I experience hurt, frustration, even anger when people are hard to get along with. Perhaps what people see – looking from the outside – is the result of pausing, praying, and preaching to myself about what God says about sincere love as I rely on the love God has for me. May it be so!
And for those times that I don’t do it well – when I fail to demonstrate love – I am thankful that I serve a God of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. I trust that he will give me another chance, and I choose to get up and once again walk in love.