More often than not, expectations get me into trouble in my relationships. I expect that someone will treat me a certain way, spend a certain amount of time with me, serve me in a particular way, or give me something. I have expectations about other people’s behavior, words, and even the way they look. When I think this is not true, I only have to think about the last time I got upset with someone else and examine what actually upset me.
Please don’t misunderstand me – boundaries in relationships are important. We should set boundaries within our relationships for safety and our health.
- Boundaries say this is how far I can go and this is how far I can allow you to come.
- Expectations say this is what you need to do and this is how far you need to come.
- Boundaries guard my heart.
- Expectations put demands on yours.
We all have expectations that our relationships will be a two-way street, but we must remember that expectations most often stem from selfish desires and lead to selfish actions.
-Excerpt from Godly Relationships, Custer
I have never liked to consider myself selfish, but that is often the discovery I make when there is conflict in my relationships. Paul tells us to have the same mindset as Christ in Philippians – and he gives us specific directions about how to do it:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of the others.”
Philippians 2:3
The key here is that each is looking to the interest of the other. When this happens, unity is reached and there is no need for expectations. But what happens when one person in the relationship doesn’t consider the other? It is then that we learn to trust in the Lord!
“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it only leads to evil.”
Psalm 37:7-8
What evil does our wrath and anger lead to? When we refuse to turn our relationship issues over to God we ultimately turn to revenge and taking matters into our own hands.
“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.”
Romans 12:19
Relationships are amazing – until they are not. When we remain stuck in the cycle of having expectations of others and being disappointed by them, we miss out on the true value of godly relationships.
People do have the ability to make us feel loved and appreciated. We can, at times, feel fulfilled and complete because of a person, but that was never God’s intention for any relationship – including marriage. If another human could meet out needs fully, why would we need God?
-Excerpt from Godly Relationships, Custer
When we are disappointed by unmet expectations of others we are emptied – when we are filled by God we overflow!
“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Romans 15:13
Godly relationship is not a means to be filled, it is an opportunity to serve!
Instead of looking at relationship as a means to have our needs met, we should instead view it as an opportunity to practice unconditional love. And let us not forget that unconditional love – or “Agape” – is not a human characteristic. Instead, it is a quality of our supernatural God and we can only access it through the Spirit.
-Excerpt from Godly Relationships, Custer
How would our relationships change if we could see each one as an opportunity to practice loving others the way God loves us?
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.”
1 John 4:7