So many people talk about resolutions and goals this time of year – I think we all appreciate new beginnings and second chances and do overs – and I am no different! Over the years my goal setting and resolution making has evolved and I am learning more and more about setting goals with grace and developing a system for continuous assessment and goal setting that makes meeting my goals more actionable and achievable. One of the ways I have streamlined that process is to focus my goals on four main areas in my life – spiritual (God and me), relational (people and me), personal (my body, mind, and home), and financial (my resources and me). I have a series of questions I ask myself regularly and my responses to those questions help me to shape my next steps – my action steps.
Today, I want to share the questions I ask myself about my relationships – and for one main reason. I want us to ponder the question:
Am I an encourager?
In Hebrews 3:13 the Bible tells us to“Encourage each other daily”and I don’t believe this is just a suggestion – the theme of lifting one another up and encouraging each other is repeated over and over in Scripture – I believe encouragement is a very important part of obeying the command to love one another.
Here are the questions I ask myself regularly to honestly assess my relationships with others:
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How did I encourage or bless others?
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How did others encourage or bless me?
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How did I handle situations and conflict?
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What do I hope to change about my relationships with others?
All of these are great questions to ask ourselves and I think at the core they are getting to the same question:
Am I an encourager?
I think most of us would like to think that we are encouraging – though I have met a few people along the way that make their goal to be as negative and abrasive as possible – I really don’t think most of us aspire to that as a life goal. But are we actually being encouraging on a day to day basis?
If I were to ask someone close to you to describe you would they use the word encouraging?
I truly believe becoming an encourager is an attitude shift and it requires us to be intentional and to actually practice encouragement. That is one of my main goals for this channel – to encourage you – yes – but also to equip you to be encouragers!
In order to make an honest assessment of whether or not you are truly an encourager, lets look at just a few of the qualities the Bible suggests for us:
1. Encourage and strengthen yourself in the LORD
“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”
2 Peter 1:3
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13
God’s Word and His Spirit are the only true encouragement we can count on in this life. His word is living truth and has the power to change our hearts and our minds. When we encourage ourselves by reading, meditating on, and applying God’s Word to our lives and allowing the Holy Spirit to work within us, we have everything we need to encourage others.
2. Think encouraging thoughts
It is a scientific fact that we tend to act based on what we think – this is why the world tends to teach about “Positive thinking” and while positive thinking alone is not enough, the Bible teaches us this concept about our thoughts as well.
“Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Philippians 4:8
It is hard to be negative and discouraging when you follow this line of thinking. And please don’t miss that while this list is truly positive – it is not self-focused and that is where we divert from the world’s version of positive thinking.
“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”
Colossians 3:2
This verse reminds us that we should focus our thoughts and minds on a godly perspective rather than a worldly or self-focused perspective. When we begin to see others and the circumstances around them through the eyes of God, we are more likely to be able to encourage them.
3. Smile
I love when science “proves” what God has already told us don’t you? I read an article in Psychology Today that relates the affect that smiling has on our own brain and on the brains of others. The physical act of smiling releases good stuff into our bodies that can have healing effects in ourselves. But smiling is also contagious. Studies show that is actually difficult for someone to not smile when you smile at them. This means that you can help another person release that good stuff into their own bodies! Wow – but we shouldn’t be surprised by this!
“A cheerful look brings joy to the heart.”
Proverbs 15:30
“A glad heart makes a happy face … for the happy heart, life is a continual feast.”
Proverbs 15:13-15
I would love to challenge you to try this out – make it an experiment for the week. Whenever you are around others – at home or out and about – practice smiling at people. If you really want to see how this works particularly smile at those that are frowning or seem down. You will be amazed at the reactions you get. If your resting face – or your normal reaction when you look at others – is not to smile, practice can actually change this.
Smiling is the simplest and purest form of encouragement you can give to anyone without even speaking. It lets people know they are seen and appreciated.
4. Listen
We may be afraid of becoming an encourager because we fear we will not have the right words to say, but we can actually be most encouraging by simply listening. Just as people have a need to be seen, they also need to be heard. Listening says to the other person that you care about their words and their feelings. Listening is not the same as agreeing – so you can actively listen to someone that is not like-minded and this increases the chance that they will actually listen to you as well. But it also opens up the opportunity to share your own thoughts in a safe environment. I once had a student say to me that she thought I was very open-minded because I listened to her without judgement. This gave me the opportunity to explain that I was not open-minded (my beliefs and standards are firmly set in biblical teachings) but instead I am open-hearted. It is only when the world can see us as caring and loving instead of judgmental and hypocritical, that we are demonstrating the love of Christ.
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;”
James 1:19
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
Proverbs 18:13
5. Speak encouraging words
I have often been challenged to listen to my own words and to think about what effect they have had on others. Our words have such power and yet we sometimes fling them around as if they have no consequence. I left this one until last because I think it is impossible to speak truly encouraging words unless we first encourage ourselves, think encouraging thoughts, smile, and listen. Once those things are firmly in place, we cannot help but to speak the right thing.
One of the most challenging verses in the Bible is from Ephesians 4:29
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.”
Ephesians 4:29
We could spend hours unpacking that verse, but for right now let’s simply put our own words through that filter for the next several days. Test yourself to see if you are able to stick to that standard or do you find yourself muttering unwholesome and unhelpful things to others or about others.
Here is a verse I have often prayed as I have asked the Lord to help me to be an encourager:
“The Sovereign LORD has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed.”
Isaiah 50:4