“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”
Proverbs 25:24
This verse has always been a good reminder for me, so I couldn’t resist snapping this photo when Jerry was fixing the roof on our little garden hut the other day. We are actually enjoying our time together while most of our regular distractions are suspended, but it wouldn’t be difficult to get irritated with each other being cooped up day in and day out. Treating each other with love and respect requires intentionality and work – especially right now!
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:31-32
This passage gives us three commands that are pertinent to these days:
Get rid of the bad attitude and actions!
Be kind and compassionate!
Forgive!
We need to set the tone in our house and family. This can be really hard when the walls are closing in and the distractions are few. Romans 12:9 says, “Love must be sincere, hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” We know that bitterness, rage, anger, etc are evil – so we must hate those attitudes in our own hearts and set out to get rid of them! Ephesians 4:17-32 is a passage that covers this extensively and a great one to read together as a family.
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, crated to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
Ephesians 4:22-24
Here are few tips for dealing with people (in your own home) who tempt you to return to to the old attitudes:
Pause – refrain from responding immediately when someone irritates you
Pray – silently ask God to make your attitude new and to help you to be kind
Preach (to yourself) – remind yourself of God’s truth and the goal to set the tone for kindness and compassion in your home
Let’s continue to encourage and build up one another – especially our own people – so we can view this time at home together as a gift!
This gift of encouragement from my friend Cherri encouraged me for weeks!
I love breaking down the word ENCOURAGE:
“En” – to give
“Courage” – confidence, hope, determination
The world is full of discouragement right now – rampant disease, hoarding of supplies, recommended isolation, economic distress, a general feeling of unrest and uneasiness about the unknown. Could there be a time in more need of encouragement?
I have been delighted to see nearly as many reports of encouragement and generosity as I have of bad news – restaurants opening their side doors with food for the hungry, teachers offering their help and knowledge, family members sitting outside of nursing homes so their loved ones can see them while hearing their voices on the phone, random flower deliveries to those serving the underprivileged, offers of neighbors to run errands for the elderly, churches posting sermons online, and so much more. Each time I see another I am inspired to do what I can to encourage others as well!
As many of us are finding ourselves out of the normal routine of our regular jobs, we should pick up the important work of encouragement. As believers, this is a calling and a command!
“From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”
Ephesians 4:16
This may be easier said than done, especially when we are working to find our own footing in these uncertain times. Encouraging others when we are fighting discouragement ourselves requires faith and discipline. But when we become intentional about encouragement, some exciting things happen:
When we redirect our focus to encouragement we encourage ourselves.
Unity prevails in an encouraging culture.
People that are encouraged are more likely to encourage others.
God’s glory is magnified when we use our gifts to encourage.
Light shows up best in the darkest places. The stage has been set and we have everything we need to shine the light. Let’s get to work friends – how can you be intentional about encouraging someone today?
It is an interesting time. The pandemic is causing a forced slowdown for everyone in some capacity. Many of us are used to our busy lives, and even though we sometimes complain and talk about slowing down, this is startling and unsettling for many. As a result, my family has returned to things we haven’t done in years. One of my favorite “new” routines is the walk we used to take to creek down the road. As we ventured there together yesterday, I was reminded of something I wrote during another slow down in my life. I hope it brings peace and hope into your life today.
The Still Place an excerpt from “A Cup of Encouragement” by Wendy Custer 2007
I walked the creek today. Normally, I am drawn to the places where I can hear the water tumbling over the stones. The noise of the water gurgling, trickling, rushing is a soothing sound to me. I enjoy watching the water find its way around the rocks, forming interesting patterns, carrying with it leaves and twigs. I like to observe what will make its way around the rocks and what will become trapped.
Today, though, I was drawn to a different place. I stopped at an area where the water was quiet, almost still, and for some reason it filled me with wonder. How can the same body of water be rushing before and rushing after, but in the middle be so quiet and almost not moving? The water seemed to form a pool, an oasis of peace in the midst of the busyness. There was no sound. Leaves gently floated instead of tumbling. There were no ripples. It made no sense. Shouldn’t the momentum of before push this water along at the same pace? Didn’t the motion further downstream have to come from this same water? It seemed to say that it is okay to stop and rest for a while. It is alright for life to virtually halt. Peace is good and natural. The busyness and excitement will return in due time.
I noticed that the place where the water was still and quiet was also deeper and clearer. The areas where the water rushed was often shallow, full of rocks, limbs, and other obstacles. Also, the movement of the water itself made it difficult to see below the surface.
In life I often prefer and gravitate towards the rushing water. I find the busyness of life – the patterns, the sounds, stimulating and exciting. But I wonder if it is the distraction that I enjoy most. As I have taken a sabbatical from my life lately, a quietness and stillness has naturally formed. It has been a bit frightening. To give up all of the rushing and the momentum, to be quiet and still, is to give up control. I have to trust that I will be given the opportunity to have that movement again. Am I moving now? Yes, I must be, just as that water in the still place was moving. However, it is a peaceful, contemplative moving with depth and clarity that is not possible in rushing water.
Now, when I get to a place of excitement and tumbling, the movement is no longer mine, but God’s. What freedom to know that I can be still, that I don’t have to keep moving just to keep that momentum going. I can be free to enjoy the peace now and the rushing, tumbling, excitement when it comes.
“He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.”
I sat on the bleachers at a lacrosse game last night, watching our senior in his last season of high school sports. Jerry was moving around the stadium, socializing with his friends, but I chose a seat next to a friend. Just last week, that same friend had complimented me on our ability to handle difficult relationships in our lives. This night, she would get a front row seat to the wrestling match I have within me when I encounter issues in some of those very relationships.
Each one of us has difficult relationships at one point or another – some of us struggle with them for a lifetime. While there are people that we can just separate ourselves from, there are some that we must learn to deal with – and if we are Christ followers we must learn to approach those relationships with the mind of Christ.
Romans 12:9-21 has long been a favorite passage of mine. I discovered this “list” when I was going through one of my roughest seasons. The words challenged me to love the person who was causing me the most pain at the time. I have adopted these verses as my mantra for how to deal with difficult relationships and they have guided and redirected me in every interaction since.
Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:44 that we should love our enemies. It may seem harsh to describe those people in your life that are hard to deal with as enemies, but it certainly can be how we feel at times. It is easy to love the people who show us love, but how do we love those who can seem unlovable?
Romans 12:9 tells us that love must be sincere. I love the way The Message puts it:
“Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it.”
Romans 12:9 MSG
and from the New Living Translation:
“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them.”
Romans 12:9 NLT
No matter which way it is said, it all adds up to changing the way we think about love. The love Paul is talking about here is not a feeling – we are called to sincerely love others with our actions. We can choose to demonstrate love regardless of how we are feeling at the time.
“Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”
1 John 3:18
I will never forget something another friend shared in a small group years ago. She explained that when someone hurts her feelings or treats her rudely, she prays for several days and then purchases them a thoughtful gift. The prayer, she noted, changes her heart toward the person and opens her up to be able to give the gift cheerfully. The gift often changes the other person’s heart as that tangible encouragement softens them. What a beautiful example of love in action!
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.”
1 John 4:7
We cannot truly love without God. He is the source of all love, and without him we are left with our own brokenness and selfish motives. As I struggled through my thoughts and emotions last night on the bleachers, I must admit I did some grumbling. But I also did some praying and some preaching to myself. I reminded myself that my enemy is not people – even though it feels that way at times. God calls me to love and encourage the people in my life – even when it is complicated and hard – and he gives me everything I need to do just that.
“If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. and so we know and rely on the love God has for us.”
1 John 4:15-16
My hope is that my friend was able to see some of the process I have for working through difficult relationships. I am not different from anyone else. I experience hurt, frustration, even anger when people are hard to get along with. Perhaps what people see – looking from the outside – is the result of pausing, praying, and preaching to myself about what God says about sincere love as I rely on the love God has for me. May it be so!
And for those times that I don’t do it well – when I fail to demonstrate love – I am thankful that I serve a God of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. I trust that he will give me another chance, and I choose to get up and once again walk in love.
We don’t have to live very many days on this earth to discover that relationships are not easy. Between our own expectations and the expectations of others, living in harmony often seems like a pipe dream. The Bible is full of reminders to honor one another above ourselves and to seek peace whenever possible, but what does Scripture recommend to those of us who are wired to please everyone?
Instinctively, even those of us who want to please everyone know that it is just not possible. We can wear ourselves out trying to arrange the world, but I have learned the hard way that this usually results in making things worse – and making myself miserable. Even the thought that I might be able to make everyone happy is a form of pride. I just don’t have that kind of power. While on the surface it might seem that my motive is to keep peace, when I uncover the root I usually discover selfishness. Seeking the approval of people can originate from many places. But whether it comes from a sense of fear or a desire for fame, it always comes back to a lack of trust in God. In a sense I am saying, “If I don’t make everything right, then no one will.”
In Galatians 1:10, Paul asks, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” This letter is addressing the churches in Galatia who were following false teachers and straying from the gospel message Paul had shared with them. He understood that the gospel was not winning popularity votes and it seemed easier to follow a message that people liked, but he wasn’t preaching to win the approval of people. And we shouldn’t make our decisions based on pleasing people either.
“If we study the life of Jesus, we will find that He most certainly did NOT make decisions based on the expectations of people.“
But aren’t we called to live in peace and to put others first? Philippians 2:3-4 says that we should do nothing out of selfish ambition, vain conceit, or because we are looking to our own interests. Isn’t pleasing others meeting this goal? After all, doesn’t it discourage unity when we don’t bend to the expectations of others? We need only to read the next verse in this passage to find the answer – “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset of Christ Jesus.” If we study the life of Jesus, we will find that He most certainly did NOT make decisions based on the expectations of people. He did, however, make them with the eternity of people in mind. Jesus used wisdom and discernment from the Father in his responses to people.
“James gives us a filter through which to pass our thoughts and actions.”
The book of James gives great insight into living a life of wisdom. James 1:5 reminds us to look to God for wisdom when we are lacking, and James 3:13-18 is a passage about worldly wisdom versus wisdom that comes from God. James gives us a filter through which to pass our thoughts and actions.
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17
We should use these attributes to measure our own motives, but we can also use them to help us choose how to meet the expectations of others.
Is this expectation pure? Does it serve everyone involved or is it based on a selfish desire of that person?
Does this expectation promote peace for others involved, or will it cause conflict among a group?
Is the expectation someone else is placing on me considerate of my feelings and needs, and will it help me to be considerate of others?
Is the person placing this expectation on me submissive to the will of God or simply trying to control me and others in my life?
Does the expectation offer mercy to others or will it bring about good fruit in any way?
Is the person placing this expectation on me impartial and sincere in their desire, or are they simply putting their desires above the good for everyone involved?
James wraps this passage up with a statement that might seems contradictory to choosing not to meet the expectations of people who don’t meet this standard of godly wisdom. He say, “Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” How, then, can we do both?
The book of Proverbs holds a treasure trove of teaching about wisdom. Proverbs 16:1-9 discuss this very issue. “To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue. All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord.”
“Trusting God and submitting to godly wisdom will achieve a longer lasting peace and joy than the temporary approval of people ever will.”
We all think we have the right motive, but only God is able to see through our intentions. He sees into our hearts – and into the hearts of others. When I ask God to intervene and to change hearts – even mine – I am inviting him to work things out with his wisdom and power.
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. The Lord works out everything to its proper end.” Proverbs 16: 3-4
Amazingly, when we submit to God’s ways and trust that he has the power to make things right, he also causes peace to reign. Verse 7 reminds us, “When the Lord takes pleasure in anyone’s way, he causes their enemies to make peace with them.” Even when we don’t do it perfectly – if we commit our way to the Lord – he works it all out and his sovereignty overrides our intentions.
It can be a scary thing – especially for a people-pleaser – to deny the expectations that others place on us. But trusting God and submitting to godly wisdom will achieve a longer lasting peace and joy than the temporary approval of people ever will. Simply asking, waiting, submitting the expectations of others to his will leaves room for God to mold our hearts into one – one with each other and one with him!
Measure the expectations others have of you by the standard of godly wisdom. Consult God before responding or taking action and commit your way to him. Ask God today to bring peace into your life and your relationships. Then trust him to do what he says he will do!
“I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.” Psalm 3:5-6
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14
I attended a book launch last night for a local author. The entire event was a blessing as I rejoiced for another writer who has poured her heart out onto the pages of a book that will land in the hands of many souls. One of my favorite parts of the evening was the conversation that happened on the stage – a conversation that was so honest and intimate that I was drawn in as if I sat in their midst. One of the ladies on the panel shared about a time of suffering in her life. I was amazed near the end when she confessed that this was the first time she was speaking about her struggle publicly. The most significant piece for me though, was her revelation that her suffering was meant to advance the kingdom!
Count It All Joy
Suffering is hard – there is just no way around that. We shouldn’t be surprised when we find ourselves there, but somehow each one of us is caught off guard. Jesus warned us that we would experience trouble (John 16:33) and Paul tells us that suffering can make us more like Jesus (Philippians 3:10.) It is only when we are able to recognize the power that comes through suffering that we can “count it all joy” as recommended by James (1:2-4).
Sifted as Wheat
It changes my perspective about difficult times when I realize that Satan has actually asked permission to mess with me. This is not a new concept – we see it several times in Scripture. The study notes in my NIV Bible explain that Satan’s desire is to ruin believers. Job is tested for the same reason – to prove that his faith will not prevail. As the accuser, Satan derives joy from turning people away from God. God, however, uses that very same trial to strengthen the faith of believers. When I am tested and hold fast to my faith, then Satan is proved wrong in his accusations and I am made stronger. But there are benefits even beyond the strengthening!
A Story to Tell
When I have suffered – especially when that struggle is visible to others – I have a powerful story to tell on the other side. The man who was blind from birth and healed by Jesus, Lazarus raised from the dead, The woman at the well running to town to share her experience – each of these stories gives us an example of people who suffered and then couldn’t help but share the outcome with everyone they knew. Each time someone else sees or hears of how God healed, transformed, and saved the lost and hurting, the Kingdom of Heaven grows. Faith is restored, renewed, birthed. My story of pain and suffering frames God’s story of grace, mercy, and love!
A Calling
My suffering highlights my calling. When I have made it through the obstacles with God’s strength, I have an obligation to turn back and reach out to the others facing those same obstacles. Its not that I am to save people in my own strength, but I am to offer specialized encouragement that leads others to the God who saves them! 2 Corinthians 1:3-6 says that we comfort those in any trouble with the same comfort we receive from God. Who better to reach out than the one who has walked that same path?
When I have suffered, I have found purpose. When I am restored, I have been called. I have been sifted – but Jesus has prayed for me! My faith has not failed but it has been made stronger and it is my joy to have a story to tell!
What is your calling? How is your story growing the Kingdom of Heaven? Spend some time in prayer asking God how He can use your story of pain and suffering to show Himself to a hurting world today.
